On Rosh Hashanah it is written. Our tradition teaches us, in fact our prayer book this morning tells us, that today God sits on high, in front of a huge open book, taking an accounting of each one of us and deciding whether each of our names gets written in it. For some of us, a comforting image while for others of us, a scary one, and still for others an image, a metaphor that doesn’t resonate or speak to us at all, as we’re not even sure what we think or believe about God, much less the idea of God writing our names or writing the book of our lives.
If I close my eyes I can imagine God sitting there, a huge open book, and me standing there before God, waiting, wondering, hoping, questioning - will my name be written this year?
And then I imagine God looking down at me and saying, “Brigitte, would you write your own name in the book this year?”
And I wonder, “Would I write my own name in the book? What?”
I would then look up at God and ask, “why are you asking me if I would write my own name in the book? It says in our prayerbook that you judge and decide, that you write and you seal, why does it matter what I think?”
God replies to me, “I didn’t write the prayerbook, people did. Those prayers about me sitting on high, judging, determining your fate, were written at a time when Jews felt that nothing was in their control. It was far easier for them to believe that I controlled all, that I determined their fate.
As time passed, they forgot a fundamental teaching of Judaism-- that free will is given, that each and every person has a choice in how they live their lives. They ignored the teaching that says, that they can choose,a life of blessing or a life of curse.”
“Sure,” God continues, “I might know some of what is going on, I did after all, set the world in motion, but you, every human being, has the choice of how to act, how to be, how to live in this world. Sometimes, oftentimes, it is for the good. Unfortunately, there are other times when some do make terrible choices; in those instances, though I might try to help, I cannot take away a person’s free will, a person’s choice in how to live.”
“But,” I ask, “what about knowing when and how I will die, the prayer book says that you make the choice each year - who by fire, who by water, who by sword??”
“Does it matter when you are going to die?” God asks. “It’s how you live that matters, not when or how you die, if you focus on those things then you forget to live. Too often I see so many people, let life or the things that happen in life, take control - take over. You just go through the motions, letting life control you instead of you controlling it. So again, I ask you, would you write your name in the Book of Life? Can you say that in this past year, you lived, I mean you truly lived or did you fall into the pattern of letting life control you?” (punch this one hard!)
“Hmmmm, I ponder. I don’t know. I know I’m far from being perfect. I make mistakes as a rabbi, a mom, a wife, a friend, but I try my best. I try to balance it all, and make it all work. Can I do better? Of course. But, did I truly live, I don’t know? I’m not sure.” I admit to God.
God replies, “I see you try to fit it all in, but can you tell me, what brings you purpose - outside of work and parenting? Do you make time for yourself and the things that bring you joy? - this is what I mean by truly living. When you are truly living, you experience the world around you and you write your own name in the book of life and living, because you leave an imprint.
So, I ask again, today, would you write your name in the Book of Life?”
I realize it might be a little strange to imagine a conversation between yourself and God, but clearly on my mind is the notion of who is in control of life.
Is it me?
Is it God?
Is it a combination of both and forces of nature that I can’t even comprehend?
There are times, when I would love to believe that God is in control. Especially those times when I feel overwhelmed and at my wits end - because then I have someone to blame.
I can rationalize it all by saying, “God has a plan, God understands, God will get me through or I can get really mad and ask, Why me, God?? Why me??”
But really, is God paying that close attention to me on a daily basis?? Likely not!
I believe that God created our world and set it into motion, and I don’t believe that God is a puppetmaster controlling everything that happens. If that were the case, I would hope that our world would be in so much better shape than it is today.
By setting things into motion, God lets us live, make our own choices and lets nature do its thing. The scary thing about this is, that things that just happen, unexplainable things - damaging acts of nature, people getting sick, job loss, mass shootings, leaders who terrorize their people, murder in the name of hate or even in the name of God. It hurts just to recount them in this list.
So many unexplainable things, that too often we want to turn toward God and say, “why, why did you allow this to happen? Why can’t you fix this?” And too often, we feel there is no answer, that God remains quiet.
This is why I imagine a conversation with God. I see today, Rosh Hashanah, as the opportunity not just for me to pass before God but for me to stop and converse with God. It is a moment when, like Abraham and Moses, I can ask my questions of God and in return God can do the same. And in my conversation, God quietly reminds me, that life is in my control. That my fate doesn’t rest solely with God, rather, we are partners. This is why God doesn’t demand perfection, but rather asks, “would you write your own name? Were you as much as you could have been? Did you live or did you let life get in the way?”
"Days are scrolls: write on them what you want to be remembered." Wise words from a Jewish philosopher, (Bahya ibn Pakuda in Hovot HaLevavot) and words that can help us move forward into this New Year. They remind us, that we have the power to write our own stories, to sign our own names in the Book of Life. By living, by experiencing the world around us in all its richness and by finding the blessing, the beauty in every little thing, even those things that take us by surprise and set us on edge. Rosh Hashanah is a reminder that we have the power to live lives of meaning, lives of purpose - we have the choice to live a life of blessing, even when it seems that there are none. Living life is about choosing how we will act and react as we move through our days. It is about us being in control as opposed to letting things control us.
How do we live so as to write our names? The answer is in our prayerbook. Teshuvah, tefillah, and tzedakah are the actions that help us do the writing, – again, this does not mean we won’t get sick or experience hardships in life – but these three actions, remind us that we have a say in how we react to what happens, how we deal, how we cope, how we keep moving forward.
Each year we hear the word teshuvah over and over during our holidays. Yes, it means return - but to where, to whom are we returning? This year, I’d like to suggest teshuvah as a returning to ourselves, to finding our best selves, once again. For when we find ourselves and know who we are, it is then that we live life to its fullest.
Over this past year, for whatever reason, the same few questions have been asked of me by others. They are questions that have set me on edge because I haven’t been able to answer them. What do you like to do for fun? What is your passion? What drives you?”
My first answer is “fun? Who has time for fun? Between work and family, there isn’t much time left. My passion? I don’t know. Being a rabbi??”
In reality, my inability to answer these questions has caused me to realize that I may just be walking through life, that I have forgotten how to live, but most importantly I think I have lost myself in the midst of everything and everyone else. For how many of you has that happened? Your self is lost in the midst of your families, your work, your illness? Of course the first step in changing this is recognizing it, then it is figuring out how to move forward toward living more fully.
How often do you put everyone else, everything else above yourself? I bet most of us could raise our hands right now.
Think about the last time you were on an airplane. Can you recall the safety demonstration? What do they tell us about the oxygen masks? Put on your own mask first, then help those around you. This goes against many of our instincts, we want to help others and not feel selfish and yet, what is so very true??? You cannot help anyone else unless you help yourself. What good will you be if you pass out from a lack of oxygen?
In doing teshuvah, we first we need to stop. We need to put on our own oxygen masks and take a deep breath. Perhaps one of the easiest ways of doing this is to recognize the gift of Shabbat, the gift of rest. The opportunity that our tradition gives us to “turn off, to tune out, to take time, to renew, and recreate ourselves so that in the new week, we will be productive and excited to take on the world. Instead of saying, “I can’t do Shabbat, the end of the week is too crazy for me and it takes too much time to prepare. Stop. Find something to do, something simple that allows you to mark the time and take a break. Bake Challah, light the candles, drink a glass of wine. Sleep late on Saturday or turn off your phone, OR keep it on for calls, but stay off of social media for the day-- can you even imagine it? Shabbat gives us an excuse to take time for ourselves and to let the rest of the world fade away. It gives us a moment to turn inward and find a little bit of personal peace.
If Teshuvah is about returning to ourselves then perhaps Tefillah is about our relationship, our connection with God. If you’re not quite sure about God, perhaps tefilah is that conversation with your innerself or with the vast universe surrounding you.
Tefillah contains the challenge to realize that we are not the beginning and the end, that there is some Power beyond ourselves that calls to us, that waits for us, that is there to hold and comfort us. Through tefillah we are encouraged to look deeply within ourselves, to reflect on that which holds ultimate meaning for us, and also to look beyond ourselves, and realize our place in the larger world.
And yet, it is easiest to lose our way when it comes to tefillah, because there are so many questions and so many unknowns.
Is there something really listening to me when I cry out to the universe?
Is there something that really hears my prayers and answers them?
What if I don’t have the right words or the right language to pray?
When we are scared, feel alone, have had bad news or one bad experience on top of another bad experience, it is easy, so easy to feel that God has forgotten us and that God is not there.
We ask ourselves, why pray? What does it really do for me?
There is a reading in our prayer book, that I believe beautifully reminds me and helps me to understand the importance of turning to prayer, and I hope it might do the same for you.
God needs no words, no English or Hebrew,
no semantics and no services.
But I need them.
Through prayer, I can sense my inner strength,
my inner purpose,
my inner joy, my capacity to love.
As I reach upward in prayer,
I sense these qualities in my Creator.
(Mishkan Tefilah)
God can be a presence in our lives - like a friend and confidant who listens and offers us quiet, unconditional support. If prayer isn’t already part of your life, try it. You can pray anywhere and in any language. Ask God for some help, some strength. Have a conversation, if it’s too weird to have it with God, then have it with yourself. Praying, talking, asking, thinking - these things can help us work through whatever is going on in our lives.
One of the teachings in Judaism that I hold close to my heart is “Pray as if everything depends on God, but act as if everything depends on you.”
This brings me to Tzedakah. If Teshuvah is about returning to our selves, and tefillah is about opening ourselves up to God, then tzedakah is our relationship with others, opening ourselves up to the world around us. Too often we define tzedakah as charity, but it is so much more than that.
At its highest level, tzedakah requires us to "understand" someone else: Who is he? What does she need? How can I help? Then it forces us to figure out how to act.
Tzedakah means that we act - we do something to make the world a better place. We give something of ourselves to help someone else. Whether we have a lot to give or a litte, we, Jews, are all commanded to give tzedakah,because we are all responsible for one another.
In February 2010, Alejandro Ergas, a 40-something businessman, was at home in Santiago when a massive earthquake struck Chile, leaving hundreds dead and hundreds of thousands homeless. In response, community leaders got together to plan relief efforts. As their discussions dragged on for three days with no practical response, Ergas couldn’t take it any longer. He loaded up a small truck with rice, water and mattresses, and along with his 16-year-old son drove eight hours south to the epicenter. They distributed the truckload of goods to the victims and drove back. “Maybe it wasn’t the most efficient way to help,” Ergas says, “but it made an impression on me that I’ll never forget.” The experience spurned Ergas to evaluate his own attitude toward Tzedakah – charitable giving. “For years, my idea of Tzedakah was to write a check and send it in the mail,” related Ergas. “But as I got more involved, I realized that Tzedakah does as much for the giver as it does for the recipient.
Sometimes we can’t wait around for others to decide what to do. We have to do what stirs our hearts, what moves us. When we do tzedakah – when we open ourselves and our hearts to others – we leave an imprint, by making the world just a little more whole, a little more perfect.
"Days are scrolls: write on them what you want to be remembered."
Today, we turn the page in that big book and what sits before us, before God, is a big blank page. A page filled with endless possibility. A page just waiting for us to write our names.
Abraham Lincoln said, “In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count, but the life in your years.” Is there life in your years? Are you truly living?
May that fresh, new, blank page be a reminder to us that We have to live. We have to do. We have to be fully present - in order to write our names
And when we gather next year and God asks each one of us if we should be written in the Book of life, let us, be confident in our response.
